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8/6/2010 - Tales from my Butt

“Dear Jeffrey,” the letter began. “I hope this missive finds you well. It has been many years since you and I have spoken, and I imagine that even now, you are hesitant to read anything I might send you. I understand. For my part, I have tried in vain to think of a way I might apologize for what occurred between us, but I know there is no means by which I can restore to you that which I so callously took.” Jeffrey stopped reading, sitting back in his battered recliner. His fingers unconsciously worked back and forth, feeling the creamy texture of the expensive paper in his hand. Just like Cecil, he thought, to put more thought into his choice of medium than into the message itself. Self-centered prick. It was hardly even worth a second look, he knew, but found himself unable to simply lay the letter aside. He rubbed his eyes angrily, feeling already the old, familiar pull of Cecil’s voice, even through ink and wood pulp.

“Though it may be at best cold comfort, in these intervening years I have made of myself something better than what I was. I have undertaken to improve myself, to think of the good of others where once I thought only of my own desires. It is, I think, no stretch of the facts to say that you, Jeffrey, changed my life for the better. You turned me around. I can only lament that it was not until I wronged you so grievously that I was able to see the truth about myself, but I have made it my life’s work ever since to see that others around me do not suffer such trespasses.” Jeffrey sighed. The unbelievable arrogance of Cecil, to presume that he would even read this letter. That any words, however artfully arranged, could make even the least difference now. Of course, he was reading it. He’d had to. He had never been able to deny Cecil anything, and Cecil knew it. That was really the most maddening thing about the man, Jeffrey reflected. Not only was he impossibly self-assured, but history continuously proved him justified in it. Anything he had ever asked, Jeffery had given, as had all of their mutual acquaintances. Money, sweat, blood, it hadn’t mattered. Cecil would open his mouth, honeyed words pouring out like spring showers, he would cock his head in that preposterous way he had, and one had no recourse but to find him immediately trustworthy. Recalling his own mewling sycophancy, Jeffery resisted the sudden urge to spit.

“I have started a foundation, in fact, to that very end.” Of course. Anything to remain in the public eye. “It is called ‘The National Youth Antidefloratory Fund,’ though I am sure you have not heard of it. We have only just begun our important work, but hope to build gradually through the support of community activism and, of course, private and corporate sponsorship.” There it was. Cecil had finally come to the thrust of it, the reason he’d bothered writing after all this time. Jeffrey wasn’t certain what he’d expected, exactly, but the audacity of the truth still startled him. “Of course I would never wish to impose on your generosity, Jeffrey, as I know that I have already taken from you more than I could ever hope to earn. It’s only that I felt you would want to know about our organization, about the work we’re doing. You are only too familiar with the abhorrent situation in which young people of your circumstances find themselves, and surely you must know how great is their need for support. Again, I would never ask anything of you personally, only that you consider those I mean to help. Perhaps you will spare a moment’s thought for these damaged young souls. Perhaps you will mention our worthy cause to those of your acquaintances with the means and the will to do good in this world. It is, of course, entirely a matter for your personal discretion, and I will think no less of you should you burn this letter immediately and spare me and my charge not a second’s consideration more. I only felt that my duty impelled me to bring whatever resources I could muster to bear on the issue.”

“You must never forgive me, Jeffrey. I am beyond salvation, far past the reach of grace, and though I will spend the rest of my days in penance, I expect no good return. Only know, my boy, how truly sorry I am. Jeffrey, I am so very, very sorry that I stuck my dick in your pooper. Yours in Atonement, Uncle Cecil.” That rotten cunt.

-spoone

6/26/2010 - whats up bro

haha bro u know my game
-spoone

5/20/2010 - The Turd Dimension

Quoons here.  As of this moment, I am officially a 3D artist (of sorts).  I just figured out a few basic things about how to work in an open-source 3D program I downloaded called Blender by following a beginner tutorial.  In the tutorial, the purpose is to create a winter forest scene featuring a snowman.  As you can see, I took a few creative liberties with the recipe.  Click on the image to view it full size.

Obviously, I still have quite a bit to learn about the program and how it is used, but apparently it's capable of some pretty advanced shit, such as creating animations and games.  Not quite sure yet what I'm going to use this program for specifically, but I do have a few ideas rattling around in the back of my head.  Just so you don't stay up all night wondering, most of them are variations on the type of thing you see above.

You're watching the Muffin Channel.  Give us ten minutes, and we'll give you a giant wang.

5/2/2010 - bro whats up

Analysing. . .
"bros" . . . . . . still funny
"poop" . . . . . . still funny
"bad drawing" . . . still funny
"muffins" . . . . . still delicious
. . .
Analysis complete. Please contact your system administrator for further assistance.
-Spoone

4/29/2010 - No Pork in January

In related news, the debut e.p. by Honduran electronic artist eskimo pube is now available.  Guaranteed 100% edible and abortion-licious.

4/27/2010 - whats up bro

Every day, over 100 million butts contribute a picotonne of feces to an already-overcrowded planet. Please, do your part to help alleviate overshitulation.
Poop in space.
That is all.

4/08/2010 - A CHALLENGER APPEARS!

Greetings! I am the Spoone! I will bet you were wondering who I was, or if I were perhaps imaginary! Well I am not, and I have been called out! I hope you are prepared, because it is henceforth my official job to FUCK YOUR SHIT UP! This is a war! Stay tuned, bitches!

3/29/2010 - Big things are a happenin'...

Spoone?  Spoone?  Where the fuck are you, Sir Spoone?  You said that you were going to start moderating this page too, you know.  If you're as lazy about updating my website as I am, it kind of defeats the point of adding you as a moderator, you know.  Oh, well.  Anyway, some news.  First of all, the official formation of Night Elf Mohawk (Styop Quoons, Sir Runcible Spoone, and maybe a few other special guests) is nigh.  Rehearsals probably start this week, or maybe sometime next week, or maybe even later than that.  Gigs will be played, at some point.  Probably.  New EP on the horizon for Latin pop sensation Eskimo Pube (it's pronounced EsKeeMo Pooh Bay, just so you don't risk offending him).  Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.  Montana Fudge and James Peen are still in the studio, still hard at work.  Fudge may release a short EP as well, just to tide folks over.  Rumors are circulating that "Creamy" Alfredo has booked some sessions in California, and we're all very excited about that, let me assure you.  Also, very soon Muffin will be adding a games section to this site.  A text based adventure game called "butts lol", endorsed by the one and only Charles Cack, is currently in development, as well another title of the same variety, which the developers have termed "duckbutts".  Other, less stupid, games (perhaps even some with graphics) may or may not be coming soon.  However, you can rest assured that the flow of EXTREMELY stupid text-based games will be swift and sure.  I think that's just about everything.  Ummmmm..... Yeah, that's everything.

2/12/2010 - Time Makes Fools of Us All

Oh, dear.  Oh, sweet lawdy.  Sweet titty bundt cake.  Sweet, sexy chocolate Jesus slapping his ding dong against Margaret Thatcher's embalmed and putrid corpse.  I am so fucking sorry.  So terribly, awfully, horse rapingly sorry.  I have neglected you for so terribly long, my poor website, and for that I apologize.  However, all is not lost.  As you can see, I have completed and released two, not just one, count them, TWO new albums for your enjoyment, so, uh, you know.  Enjoy them. 

These two records are the first installment in a series I am calling Songfight, The Lost Episodes.  Mostly, the project consists of taking ideas inspired by Songfight titles and building mini conceptual projects around them.  The first of such projects are two new albums, Keep All Your Promises, a three-track, 40 minute odyssey into the mind's butt, and the first 5 chapters of what will eventually be a complete electronic opera released in installments, entitled The Road to Hana. 

Mostly, this is the result of my recent realization that I pretty much hate that community and nearly everyone there, and seeing as how they mostly seem to also hate pretty much everything I do anyway, I've decided to stop bothering with them and move on.  However, I still occasionally check the website, and I do find that the suggested titles still serve as a source of ideas; the main difference is that I no longer have even the slightest desire to win a fight, and I don't particularly care what any of those AIDS-infested poon pops have to say about my music.

Now, the classy thing to do of course would be to just drop off gracefully and leave them to their fail, and just stop entering fights.  Naturally, I've decided not to take this approach.  So, in between my actual projects, I will be throwing together little mini projects here and there inspired by SF titles, which I may or may or may not post links to on the boards, as well as periodically antagonizing those uppity buttnards with the occasional 25 minute fight entry.  

Also worth mentioning is that Montana Fudge's album, which had originally been scheduled for release last November, has been postponed.  You see, Mr. Fudge is something of a perfectionist, and he was not entirely satisfied with the final mix he produced and submitted to me awhile back, and he asked me not to release it so he could have time to record it again. 

Alas, for several weeks, though, he was in a quandary, being devoured by the swirling cesspools of his own steaming desires....ah, the guy was a wreck.  So what does he do?  For once, he does something smart.  He pays a whole lot of money to legendary producer James Peen, of Songfight fame.  Peen and Fudge are currently locked in an ugly little room, arrogantly twisting the sterile canvas snoot of a fully charged, folk-music annointment utensil.  By which I mean, they're currently in the process of re-recording the tracks for Montana Fudge's new album.  Hopefully, they will have it ready soon.  I'll try to keep everyone posted.

11/8/2009 - Science Mind V. Chaos Missing Album - My Bad

10/26/2009 - The Great Vagina No Longer Rides Again

8/15/2009 - The Great Vagina Rides Again

7/12/2009 - For Once You Follow Through With Something, Mr. Quoons

7/10/2009 - Where are you, Mr. Quoons?

Hey, ppl.  Many of you may have been wondering where I've been these last couple of months, why there haven't been any updates to this site, and why The Opinonated Quoons, which I made a specific point of  mentioning in my last update, still doesn't contain any of my opinions.  Well, I'm afraid that I ran into a bit of computer trouble awhile back, and my old laptop had to be put down.  For a good while there, I was without a computer, and thus unable to maintain this fantastic site that I'm sure thousands of people read daily.  For that, I apologize.

However, a few things have happened in the duration that are worth noting.  First of all, Taking Back Thursday, the new album that I promised all of you was almost finished, is finished.  It is mastered, finalized, and I have a burned copy of it that is sitting in my car as I type.  All I need to do is type a quick libretto, make a .zip file, and upload it here, so it should be online in a couple of days (knock on wood).  Also of note is the upcoming addition of two new chapters of The Great Gatsby, which our Muffin literary researchers have uncovered and transferred to audiotape.  These will become available at the same time as TBT.

As to The Opinionated Quoons, I had written a very nice review of Dweezil Zappa's Havin' a Bad Day; unfortunately it was on my computer at the time of the crash and I did not back it up.  So, as soon as it is re-written, I will post it and many other fine album/game/anime reviews there for you all to read and wipe your buttocks with.

Thank you for your patience and continued patronage.  Snooch to the Nooch.

5/9/2009 - The Opinionated Quoons

In an effort to combine my love of games, obscure music, anime, and other delightful bits of material that I have been warned will rot my brain with my apparent love of arduously taking the time to create and post on the internet things that no one but my friends will ever see or hear, I have recently set up a new blog for the express purpose of writing long winded reviews of obscure music the average person could care less about, and games the average person finished playing and forgot about long ago. If you have any interest in reading them, my new blog is called The Opinionated Quoons and can be found at this address: http://styopquoons.blogspot.com. Thank you.

4/11/2009 - New Chapter of Huckleberry Finn

The thousands upon thousands of people who have no doubt been following Muffin's audiobook installments of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn will be thrilled to learn that Chapter Five has just been uploaded to our server. Also of note is that the Styop Quoons Experience's long awaited second album, Taking Back Thursday, is nearing completion and will be released shortly. Ah, nostalgia. This announcement takes me back to about a year ago, when I kept telling all of you that my first album, Crappy Electronic Music for the Mind & Body, would be released shortly? Remember that? And how I didn't actually end up releasing it until like September or something? Ah, memories. Seriously, though, this one is almost done.